I don’t even know how to explain my silence. It’s been 87 days since I’ve posted. So where have I been?
Long story short, no wait let’s go back to the beginning:
I left Maine with a heavy heart and returned home to South Africa. You see the heartache was drowning me and all I wanted was to go home, to feel comfort and to move on. But leaving didn’t solve a thing; as a matter of fact, it made it a bit worse. I arrived back in South Africa expecting life to fall back into place, but instead, I felt misplaced- home didn’t feel like home anymore. I was probably back home for about a month or so, right after the excitement of seeing everyone familiar again wore off, that I realized returning was a mistake. But I had so many plans, I was going to recover from this terrible pit of sorrow quick and efficiently, and this little thread of determination was the only thing that I was holding onto.
So I went to the gym consistently and I bought a car (a funny story for a different day). I applied for that travel agency job I dreamt of and got denied, several times. I completed my TEFL certification and was almost on my way to China when the plans unraveled and I was back to square one. I had my 21st birthday and it hit me that I was finally old enough to be a photographer on the cruise ships, this is something I saw on a pamphlet when I was 18 and I couldn’t believe I was finally old enough to pursue this dream. So with the little bit of savings that I had left (you know after buying a car, doing my TEFL certification, having no job and of course food- always food) I enrolled into the photography course. It was amazing, and since then I don’t enjoy taking pictures with my old camera knowing what I am capable of when using a proper one. I completed the course went for the interview, got the job, passed the medical and received my visa. This was it, my new adventure was right around the corner. But I had to wait for them to contact me when there is a contract on a ship opening up (I am explaining this concept very loosely). A few months went by and I was running out of patience and money, they say patience is a virtue and the majority of times that’s true. But not when they cannot give you any indication of when you will be boarding and you’ve come to the last few drops of money.
What was my plan Z? I didn’t have one, because it never occurred to me that life will shut down all other plans I had arranged prior to this. I mean I knew that life messes with your plans, but never before to this extent. So, what’s next? It was almost October and I knew what that meant: seasonal work in Florida was around the corner. So after all of this trying to escape hospitality and pursue my dreams was I willing to crawl back to the food and beverage industry? The answer: it is all that I have on my resume and thus it is the only plausible option.
So I applied for my old job, got it, my visa was approved I sold my car and the next thing I knew I was on my way back for another season in Florida. There was a lot of mixed emotions there, I was upset because I will once again be caught in hospitality and all that it entails but I was optimistic because this time I’ll be a hostess and not a server. There’s also the aspect of this being the only option that worked out in the span of a year so I guess the majority of what I was feeling was grateful for something finally working out. Now, when I made the decision to come back I decided that I don’t ever want to be in that position again. I’ve always been an over-planner and the one time I didn’t plan in advance it put my life on hold for one whole year.
I enrolled in a South African university and decided that for the first few months I will save as much as possible in order to fund my studies. If I am going to do a job that does not enlighten me I might as well take some time to improve myself and work towards where I want to be. But seeing as it took me this long to become interested in the idea of studying I was uninformed of the whole process and how things work. Which is how I ended up with five modules for my first semester, yes that’s right- I have been studying full time while working full time for the past five months. It’s not the best decision I have ever made, but you live and you learn.
I haven’t mentioned the heartbreak because, well, there’s so much to say and yet there is nothing to say. I know that two years ago we haven’t even met yet, and it’s strange to think that I could never have foreseen the events that transpired since then. I lost myself and my passion, and I am trying hard to restore every part of me that I know is uniquely my own. And there were so many people that questioned me when I fell apart, about how it cannot be true love or how we were not really in love. And it did not bother me because I knew that I loved him, and the fact that I still have not moved on from him completely proves that I still do. And I know that it will happen, at some point I won’t want to relive our time in Chicago or the way that we could build sandcastles in the sky together. But for now, I am finding my enthusiasm again, planning my next five million moves (even though I know that life won’t abide by them) and working hard (work and education wise).
My last exam for this semester is on the 29th, after that, I will be fully active once again and ready to share with you the adventures of Wyoming– which is where I will be spending summer!
Here’s to me, and you and moving on (or at least trying to)!