I had so much lined up to say.
I had pages upon pages of edited material that I could use and post and showcase to the world.
But, of course, you can prepare all you want, in the end, there’s no predicting what life will throw at you. From a purely creative perspective, a lot had started to change by mid-August of last year. I finally picked up my habit of scribbling a few lines down that would make for good poetry and started to envision something worthy of being turned into a story. I finally jumped a hurdle that had taunted me for the past year or so-
I was writing again.
It sounds generalized to say that my mind had been troubled with this thing referred to as writers block. But it’s true- my creative energy had been missing for a while. I was tasked by my university to write a compelling short story and I was stumped for 3 whole months. I dreaded having to write it. I dreaded it partly because I haven’t written anything substantial in so long and partly because to create an enticing short story I needed an end goal – and I have never written with one in mind. But then I sat down a few days before the deadline and managed to create 2000 words worthy of binding a story. It was not much but the satisfaction of having started and actually completed a story caused a happiness that I had not felt in a while. it was the sense of content that started to creep back in, my self-doubt dwindling just a little by the truth that I still had it in me to write.
Then I moved back down to Florida and decided to join in the NaNoWrimo challenge with my new found excitement to write. I created a character that I never thought I would be able to. It was thrilling to read this new material that I was creating- the setting, the plot the descriptions all singing in my mind as I created it. But my laptop crashed, for the second time in one year, and every word disappeared as if it was never even there. I tried to recover this masterpiece of mine, I swear it was my best work yet, but I could not. It’s gone. I know by now that I should know that things need to be backed up time and time again.
It’s extremely heartbreaking to know I was onto something magnificent and now it is lost. it is actually quite unsettling to know I had poured my soul into this story and now it is gone. I cannot emphasises enough how much it hurt to know that I just wrote some of my best work and I cannot even share it with anyone. and it’s not just a matter of rewriting, all writers know that, the story belonged to itself and nothing else that I ever create will resemble it.
I was extremely picky when it came to what I wanted to blog about or the pictures that I wanted to share. out of the thousands of pictures I took I only showed about three and having lost all that I was saving for a rainy day I realize that perhaps I was too hard on myself. why not just share what I love when I want to share it and as often as I liked? No one is pressuring me into blogging, no one is telling me what I needed to put out there?
So here’s to turning a new page:
One that’s truer
One that’s more creative
One that’s more forgiving
and most importantly
One that I look forward to writing!
Here’s to me finding my voice again
after I lost it for so long.