Four weeks of writing,
only two more days left to go.
|Current Word Count||3020|
|Badges Earned This Week||Write 1667 words (don’t know why this is at such a strange number)|
The fourth week has ended, and despite my procrastination and lack of concentration I managed to sit down this past week and add a few more words to the final count. Yes, I am not nearly to 50 000 words, but it was never about that; it was about becoming better. And my current wordcount surpasses the 2830 words I ended with in 2018.
Finally crossing that state line changed the way in which Joseline’s shoulders were hunched. It was as if all of the doubt she had been feeling the last few months evaporated at the beckoning of the finish line that was promised by the crossing of the Welcome to Wyoming sign.
There was no apparent change in the surroundings, but the land somehow changed from a dull and lifeless road into a promising pathway. Driving in silence was easy; it was calm and steady in the face of what she had been through in the last few months. Her last 43 hours of driving have been quiet and thoughtful, she had too much to think about and too much time to think about it. But with only a five-hour stretch ahead of her she decided to turn the radio on and finally breathe, she rolled the window down and embraced the winter winds that are still lingering in the plains of Carbon County.
“Honestly!” she shouts out as a rock hits the top right corner of her windshield. She took a deep breath and smiled almost involuntarily. “Of course, 4 days of driving and nothing! But five minutes in Wyoming and my windshield is already done for.” As she made her remark she could not help but think back to the very beginning of last summer when (still to be named) came to fetch her from the airport. As they made their way from Idaho Falls to Alpine her eyes caught glimpses of small towns set against the backdrop of what seemed to be absolute untouched beauty like she had never seen before. The snow on top of the mountain laid there in stark contrast to the green fields surrounding them. (still to be named) voice chirped through the crisp air and it was strange. It was strange because the way that her voice moved through the moment made it seem as if everything and everyone here belongs. And for the first time, Joseline was moved to emotion by the scenery. On her very first day, on that drive to her new home, she was warned that there is not a single Wyoming resident without a cracked windshield. Recalling those words she felt like in some ways she has become a part of the state because seeing the Wind River Range appear stirred emotions in her once again.
She left Wyoming with
There it is, the exact place where she left her heart. She loved Wyoming not because of him, but because of this place. The way in which it accepted her, managed to change her and helped her to discover that there is more to this kind of life than simply working. She sat in her car for a while admiring how far she had come once again, the road this time was less of a challenge and more of an adventure. After a few deep breaths, she stepped out into the cold and walked towards the heavy wooden-framed entryway doors.
As the inside light of the building was glowing through the frosted glass an ever-growing silhouette became apparent. With every other step that she took her heart changed in rhythm. The very nerves that have held her together in the last few days are now threatening to come undone. Her determination diminishing as she closes in on the clubhouse, the very idea of coming here unannounced seeming foreign to her now, but she continued to walk until the knob was an arm’s length away. She wanted to reach for the door, to push it open and greet every single person that she has missed during what felt like a never-ending winter. She wanted to see the person who has been keeping her sane the last few months, but she couldn’t get herself to reach out and open the door.
Before she could reach for the handle the door opened to reveal Tyson. Dark brown hair tousled and longer than she remembered, a moustache she had never seen before. Seeing his face framed by his winter wear made the last few months seem like it could have been an eternity, maybe she was gone for too long.
“Surprise.” She announced before she allowed herself to even look into his eyes. She came here to surprise him, to tell him that she had come back like she promised she would. And the brief silence that followed her announcement came crashing into her, it was merely a few seconds of hesitation but that was all the confirmation she needed. Maybe it was the fatigue from the last few days finally setting in, but she couldn’t help it- her eyes started tearing up. She willed the tears to evaporate, for time to rewind, for it not have happened like this but time stood still and he was still there, in front of her, not reaching towards her.
“I couldn’t put my life on hold until you were here.” He finally replied, no sign of exhilaration of happiness in his voice.
“But I’m here.” And as she said it she knew, without a doubt, that what she was feeling was all that there was to it. “I’m here.” She repeated, almost to herself, as if she only now realized the lengths that she had just gone through in order for her to be standing here, face to face with him, in the middle of May. All of a sudden the cracked windshield seemed like a warning as the truth settled. The icy roads that greeted her at dawn seemed starkly warmer than this welcoming, and then the world started to slip away. Her ears started ringing, the nervousness in her gut was now eating away at her breath. And as her cheeks became darker in shades of pink, her tongue-tied and her eyes burned as they blinked.
“And I appreciate that you came-” he said, and she finally traced her gaze from his jawline to his eyes. They used to swallow her whole in the heat of summer when he used to stare at her under the cloudless skies. But the way in which his eyes fell on hers now portrayed a look of discomfort instead of the admiration she was expecting.
“Just don’t.” Two simple words were all that she could cut him off with, anything more and he would have heard her voice break. The wind had picked up since she approached the entryway and the chill of winter attempted to distract her from what she was feeling. His hair was being ruffled as he moved the zipper on his jacket a little bit higher. He didn’t try to start his sentence again, he didn’t even walk towards her. He just stood there, his whole demeanour begging for this awkward encounter to be over. “You had so many chances to avoid this. I gave you so many chances to end things.” She blurted out and immediately turned to walk away before the burning sensation turned into teardrops, and as she reached her car one finally managed to escape.
Driving through the Snake River Canyon for the first time in months was meant to be an effervescent traverse because it meant that she was back where she belonged. But driving now between the river and the mountains she could barely see the white covered paths and where it merged with the road. All she could see was his eyes and the way they looked as if they had never cared for her, as if they had not spent hours tracing every line of her body in the early morning light. The adoration she so desperately wanted to see in them now something she will never see again.
“Why-” and before she could continue asking her question her voice trembled. “Why would you lie? Why would you tell me all those things and not mean a single word?” She took her hand off of the steering wheel in order to wipe at the tears blurring her vision. The world in front of her has turned into a swirling white mass- but she continued to question the wind, the world, whoever was listening. The words were rushing out of her now, the tremble that was there at first has given way to the anger. The more she repeated her first initial word, the less she understood his reasoning behind everything that he has said to her in the last few months.
“Why would you-” but her words were stopped short when the world in front of her was no longer an uninterrupted white presence. Immediately her reflexes wanted to kick in and slam on the breaks, but her instincts did not permit it. Instead she removed her foot from the pedal and steered over the already dead deer in the middle of her lane. As her car thumped a new wave of sadness engulfed her, the tears that were welling up in her eyes gave in and started cascading down. She knew that she was supposed to stop, but she could not get herself to. It was the absence of empathy that overwhelmed her, then the knowledge of the risks involved that convinced her not to. The risk of getting stuck in the snow bank on the side of the road is too high, and she doubted that she would be able to move the deer out of the way without retching. She decided to continue driving until she reached KJ’s a few more miles down the road.
you could hear the way in which her heart was breaking.
Once again her romanticized outlook on life that made her believe.
…Arrives at her new home
Working seasonally allows you to meet so many different people, it allows you to introduce the varieties of yourself to someone who would have never otherwise crossed paths with you. The people she met last summer met a completely different Joseline than the one that is currently sitting in front of her new accommodation unable to open the car door. She could not even switch off the car, she sat there unblinking with the engine running and her hand gripping the steering wheel. Without even noticing, the house’s door opened and one of her new roommates emerged and headed straight for Joseline’s car door. After attempting to open it for her and realizing that it’s locked she tapped twice on the side window. As if returning from a coma she slipped back into the present and stared around her as if she had no recollection of how she ended up here. She took a shaky breath before opening the car door, her body weighing heavy as she attempted to get out.
“Welcome home.” the girl announced and wrapped her arms around Joseline the moment she stood upright. The hug was so tight, almost as if they have known each other for years. Then the thought crossed her mind that maybe she did know this girl, she just does not remember her. She stepped out of the hug and inspected her new roommate, blue eyes filled with excitement and deranged blond curls frame her face. There’s no way that she has been doing this for very long, her eyes give that away.
“Look I know you don’t know me,” she began and already hated the impression that she is about to make, “but I literally just had my heart broken and need to get it all off my chest.” Saying the words out loud made her cringe, she wasn’t this unstable seasonal employee that that statement made her out to be.
“I’m here for you, to listen, to trash talk, whatever you need-” she said and did this strange twirl as if she did not have a single care in the world, “I’m Emma by the way”. Joseline introduced herself and opened the trunk to start unloading her travel bags.
When the Chevy finally looked like a car and not a storage unit, Joseline closed the door to finally block out the icy wind that pierced through her while she was walking to and fro. When she turned around Emma was sitting on the couch with a Strawberrita in both hands, ready to listen and give commentary. She could feel the heat creeping up her neck as a wave of sadness came again, but she took the Strawberita and attempted a smile.
“When we started getting together I warned him,” she started and tucked her feet in under her where she sat across from Emma. She decided to explain her fragility when it comes to relationships first; how she was broken before, and that it took her two years to regain her strength. Recalling that heartbreak in the wake of what she experienced a mere two hours ago, she knew that this pain was different. What she is feeling now is close to the earth rendering useless, whereas before she felt like the world was easily moving on without her. It seems like two completely ghastly sensations, but the earth rendering useless felt a bit more manageable than her being useless entirely.
“I asked him in February whether or not he was still serious about us, and he said yes!” Joseline practically shouted as she placed emphasis on the word ‘yes’, “I mean, why when I ask you if you want to leave do you re-commit when you’re not actually committed?” As if the impossibility of the situation dawns on her anew she experiences a shift from betrayal to anger. It hurt knowing that the person who was keeping her sane the past few months had been treating her almost as an afterthought to the happenings in their life. But now she felt anger towards his misconceptions, and inability to apprehend that he was her lifeline for the past seven months.
“Nevermind that, he had someone that loved him enough to race across the country to see him and he could not even appreciate that.” Emma chimed in, and handed Joseline another can to cheers with before the story continued.
“He was supposed to go to a wedding with me.” She continued, and listed thing after thing of what he had promised and said that made the current situation seem so unreal. To her making future commitments meant that someone was planning on staying, that they wanted to be a part of your life. But now, now it seems like he just wanted to pass the time, to keep her from asking too many questions. As she recalls their midnight conversations she wonders if there was ever someone there, keeping him company while she had assumed he had only been spending time on her. She should have known by now that intuition is always right, that was why she was so nervous to come and see him. That was why she couldn’t open the door, because she knew in some way that what they have been is all they would ever be.
“No, no, no!” Emma stopped her, “You are not going to place blame on yourself. This is his doing, there’s no ‘i should have known’, or ‘he gave me signs’. No, he did you wrong and he is an asshole for that.” Another cheers clinked through the air before Emma got up to grab a vodka bottle from the freezer.
“Good thing I chilled it.” She announced before pouring them a stronger drink. But what she had said about it not being her fault stayed with Joseline. Because she knew that if she stays mad long enough eventually she begins to forgive the person she is mad at, no matter what they did. No matter how many things someone has done to hurt her, when time passes she starts to blame herself. It’s twisted, but that has always been her logic- her downfall. That’s also why she does not believe in forgive and forget, because if that was the case she would never get free from unhealthy relationships. She forgives, but she never forgets.
“You’re right you know.” Joseline said as she took a big gulp before her eyes welled up again. “He is an asshole,” she went to go and sit next to Emma, who happily embraced her, and for once she let her guard down. She started to sob, slowly allowing the anger and the hurt to overwhelm her. She needed to feel every single one of these emotions before she could start to reveal the truth to herself, and the truth was that she loved him. The truth is that she truly imagined herself living the rest of her days out with him in between these mountains, she was ready to have a home. But being ready did not mean that it would happen, on the contrary being ready only made the breakup so much worse. Having someone you barely know hug you as if you are the most precious thing in the world is something unfathomable. While in this embrace Joseline closed her eyes and only then did she realize how much alcohol they have consumed in the last couple of hours. It was evident in the unusual way that the world was spinning, the way that her head felt too heavy for her to move. The dizziness made her emotions fade and left her with what felt like nothing. There was no hurt, no pain, no anger, just the darkness that is aimlessly shifting around in her mind. Right before she allowed the darkness to drag her away completely, the door opened.
“Hey girl h-” pierced through the perpetual stillness that had overtaken the apartment, “oh.” But Joseline could not open her eyes, no matter the amount of curiosity that had taken hold of her. The door slammed shut, and then she heard as the footsteps were coming towards the couch, heard whispers between Emma and this other person. But she could hear what they were saying, no- she could not be bothered to listen, all she wanted was to forget this day ever happened, to forget everything.
“Joseline,” she heard Emma’s voice as if she was speaking into a coffee cup, it sounded hollow and distant, but the glee somehow traveled with it.